Coming back to an empty house...

...was something I had never done, till a few days back.

Having grown in a family with a grandmom, this concept was completely alien to me. She was always there, kind of like a constant factor even if everything else changed. For the last few months though, she was completely bedridden, and yet the fact remained that she was there, a reassuring presence if nothing else. She passed away a month back, and I still cannot get used to coming home and seeing the empty room.

Had one of these really interesting and insightful discussions with Sangram a few days back, which made me write this post in the first place. The conversation started off quite normally, but then veered towards the Virginia shoot out, and ended up at how people generally react to someone close/not so close to them dying. I have always thought that I am more indifferent than most people, call it less sensitive, hard hearted, or anything else you like. But I generally never get emotional about something too easily. It was probably true of the time when aaji passed away too. The tears did not come for a long time. I was possibly the only one among my cousins to be so composed. And it was eating me from inside... Why did I not feel about it as much as all of them? I tried reasoning with myself-it was not really a shock for me, having been with her all of that morning, maybe it was just the fact that I was there all along, and when everyone else came, I was consoling others rather than crying myself. But inspite of it all, it still bothered me.

And then I had that discussion sometime later with Sangram, during which I realised that it is very natural to react the way I did perhaps. How does someone's death really affect us? Missing the person in your day-to-day life, going over all the memories, regretting things you did not do... And the practical aspects are as important as the emotional ones. Small things remind me again and again that aaji is no longer here-stuff like leaving for an exam and habitually going to her room, namaskar karayla...

For almost 2-3 years, aaji has been quite ill. There were so many things she gradually stopped doing - she always used to tell me (when I was younger) and my sis stories at bedtime, she used to prepare our dabbas for school, it was always aaji, and nt my mom, who would prepare ambatvaran coz we both liked her's so much beter than mom's! All this stopped years back, but I remember it all now. It's strange really, but its her death which caused me to think about all of those things i missed, I never missed them when she was here.

And its been a long enough senti post, so I'll wrap it up with just this - life always goes on no matter what... I am not too un-emotional, or atleast not the only one who is. And I prefer it this way infinitely rather than wallowing in hypocritical grief. There are moments when I get emotional too, but they are few and far between, and I prefer it that way!